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Subject: Divide and Conquer
My Dear Wormwood,
Here we at a critical juncture. The pesky Patient has decided to kick up the level of his marketing. Not to worry—this situation can be the catalyst for a delightfully dreadful downfall. You must learn these three ways to frustrate even the most ambitious marketing intentions: The three D’s.
Divide: Influence your charge to enlist as many disconnected sources as he can find. I influenced one of my own patients to hire a freelance graphic designer, buy into a do-it-yourself website, use his sister to write content, and get a moonlighting “marketing expert.” This motley team had some decent individual talent, but could not form a unified team. Imagine taking ten pieces each from four different 50-piece puzzles, and attempting to fit together a unified picture. My patient “saved” a few bucks, but the ensuing brand message was predictably weak and disconnected; what she lost far outweighed any gains. (She also wasted a good deal of time trying to chase down each contractors to re-explain everything to each.)
Dilute: A coherent, unified team produces an effective, cohesive brand message capable of making powerful connections that lead the humans them to buy, buy, buy. Prevent this happening, at all costs! Just like the game of “telephone,” the more disconnected people that crafting the message, the more diluted, distorted and dissonant it becomes. See the how that works?
Discourage: The regrettable results of the first two D’s will always lead to discouragement. Plant a mixture of truth and error into the Patient’s mind. Make him believe the problem lies in the media platform. “YouTube ads don’t work for me,” or “social media must not produce any real returns.” The truth of such thoughts depends on whether or not he divides and dilutes his marketing message.
If we can portray truth as relative, we can really mess things up!
Your affectionate Uncle,
P.S. We now have the opportunity to guide the patient’s determination by perpetuating the insane idea that trying other media with the same thrown-together “team” will produce different results. Good luck with that one, human!
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